Mediation & The 5 Stages Of Divorce Grief
A divorce is sometimes referred to as a “death of the marriage.” Like the physical death of a loved one, individuals often go through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What many people don’t realize is that where a person is in the grieving process has a direct impact on how long and how expensive the divorce will be.
Mediation, an alternative dispute resolution process, gives everyone the same opportunity to express their goals, needs, and interests irrespective of where they are in the divorce grieving process. Most people do not experience the stages of grief in “order” and some people do not experience all five stages – which is perfectly normal. The key is to understand the stages of the divorce grieving process as this will hopefully help you to better understand the decisions you or your spouse are making.
1. Denial. Denial is often the first stage in the divorce grieving process. Thoughts of “This isn’t happening,” “my spouse isn’t really going to go through with this,” or even, “my spouse has threatened divorce before, but nothing happened.” There can be a lot of denial when facing the reality that your marriage is over - regardless of whether you’ve been married 1 year, 10 years or 30 years. Making decisions while in the denial stage is like a ship trying to navigate to shore through a deep fog – you can’t see where you’re going! What you need is a lighthouse. Well, the Mediator is that lighthouse – they will help facilitate a conversation and help you think to options to bring you to a resolution.
2. Anger. Need I say more?!! No, seriously it is this stage that can cause the most damage during the divorce. Anger, resentment, frustration, and spite often “rear” their ugly heads during the divorce process. If there is a one way to guarantee a long and very expensive divorce, it is allowing the divorce to be driven by anger. In mediation, while you can express yourself, a Mediator will help you express your needs and interests in a productive way to reach resolution. A Mediator will also “reality test” your proposals, especially those coming from a place of anger, with the goal of saving you a lot of time and money that may otherwise be spent in contested litigation.
3. Bargaining. Bargaining often presents as “I’ll do whatever to just get this over with! I don’t care – my spouse can take it all!” It is at this stage during the divorce where clients tend to make impulsive or irrational decisions often to their detriment. With mediation, a person can think through a proposal or counterproposal so that well-reasoned decisions are made. A good Mediator will recognize when a person is “bargaining” to their detriment and will often have the individual take a break from negotiations to give everyone time to re-group.
4. Depression. Depression is not uncommon for someone going through a divorce. It is critically important for individuals to work with a professional to help manage the mental health impact of a divorce. Depression manifests itself in varying ways and certainly can drive the decisions that are made during divorce. Mediation, as an alternative dispute resolution process, is a great option for individuals who have mental health considerations given its less acrimonious format.
5. Acceptance. People arrive at acceptance of the end of their marriage at different times. Some are there when then the divorce is just being filed while others do not “accept” it for years after the entry of the Judgment. Acceptance does not mean that you are necessarily “happy” that you are divorced but rather recognizing that this marriage came to an end and that there is a new chapter waiting. Acceptance is generally the time when client’s make the most rational decisions, but it is also the time when their patience and understanding for their spouse is at its lowest – you have “accepted” the end of the marriage, so the expectation is that your spouse is at that place too. In mediation, a Mediator will “meet the individuals where they each are,” to help facilitate a path to resolution.
Mediation is an opportunity for an individual to truly understand the emotional impact of a decision, to mitigate the damage caused by solely emotional decision-making and to have control over the outcome irrespective of the stage of divorce grief.
